


Private Counselling

by Philomena85



Category: Alex Verus Series - Benedict Jacka
Genre: Alex Verus #8 - Bound, Alternative Plot, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Nightmares, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 23:36:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19283494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philomena85/pseuds/Philomena85
Summary: After Zilean and Lightbringer attacked Anne, Alex needs to be alone for some time, coming to terms with the past events. Variam is worried and comes looking for him, learning that Alex isn't doing well at all. He stays for the night, trying his best to comfort his friend when he needs him more than ever.





	Private Counselling

When I returned to my safe house in Wales, all I wanted was to be alone. Three days had passed since the attack on Anne and my hands were still trembling whenever I thought about her and what these bastards had done to her. I couldn't focus on anything else. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her lying on the table in that house in Walthamstow, her skin...These pictures burned into my mind made me want to throw up and scream on the top of my lungs. I had never seen something like this before and I prayed that I wouldn't have to do so ever again. Yes, she was recovering and yes, she would be alright someday – physically. But how can you ever forget such horrendous things happening to you?

I still remembered the day I told Anne to seek help, to try and come to terms with her past, be it her time with Sagash, the events at the White Stone Tournament or anything that happened afterwards. I never found out if she kept seeing her therapist after their first encounter and it really made me angry because I strongly believed this would have improved her life in so many ways, though, to be honest, I never sought counselling myself after I escaped Richard despite feeling broken and on the verge of madness. Anne and I, we're alike in many ways, always trying to sort things out on our own – it works, but that doesn't mean it's anywhere near healthy.

The sudden noise coming from the front door made me jerk. Lost in thought I hadn't noticed what was going on around me – and this could easily have been the last mistake I ever made. Concentrating on the immediate future I relaxed.

“Come in, Vari, door's unlocked!”

“Hey Alex, everything alright? I was worried when I couldn't find you in the Hollow.”

He entered the living room and made himself comfortable on the sofa, right next to the armchair I occupied. I ran both hands through my hair, avoiding to look at him for the moment. I didn't want to talk about what was going on in my head but I didn't want to cast him out either. I let out a faint sigh.

“I'm sorry. Didn't want to upset you but I needed some time for myself. How is Anne?”

“She'll recover.”

I looked at him warily. “That's not what I was asking for.”

His downcast look summed up my feelings perfectly and I didn't dare ask any further.

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“I'm sorry?” Taken aback, I stared at him once again.

“Well I thought you might want some tea or something else...”

I still didn't get it. What was he talking about?

“I've known you for quite some time now, Alex - you can't fool me. I might not be a diviner, but I know exactly how you feel right now with all these things on your mind.”

I shrugged indecisively. “I'm getting used to it, no need to worry.”

“Okay, so you don't want to talk about it.”

“Listen, Vari – I'm just tired, I need a break, a good night's rest, that's all. No offence, but...”

“I'm not leaving you alone. Not tonight. Not when you're looking like this.”

“What do you mean?”

_What's wrong with this boy?_

Finally I gave up, uttering an exasperated sigh.

“You can stay on the sofa, I'll take the bed – I'm an old man, I need something soft and comfortable to sleep on.”

He forced himself to smile but even without my divination I knew that he'd stay awake all night, always on guard. A real Keeper – and a real friend.

***

“Alex, wake up! Wake up, for God's sake!”

Eyes wide open, I sat up in my bed, my heart pounding, sweat running down my back. _Breathe!_ I ordered myself. _You need to breathe!_ I took me much to long to realise that Vari was sitting beside me, looking terrified.

“I'm alright” I assured him, “Just a nightmare.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

One word to fight the memories that haunted me over and over again. One word to lock away the flashbacks of imprisonment and torture, of fear and excruciating pain, of loneliness and despair deep within my mind. I had been nineteen years old, almost still a child when I had to endure these things and now, more than twelve years later, I had to face my demons again, working for the people who made my life a living hell. I really shouldn't be surprised that those dreams were coming back. The only thing that kept me from shaking was Vari's voice, trying to calm me down.

“You never really talk about what happened to you. Are you upset because you saw what these scumbags did to Anne? Does it remind you of...you know – back then?”

I looked away. “That's something different.”

“You said they tortured you – Drakh and this Tobruk guy.”

“Yes, but they didn't mutilate me, it was nothing compared to what Anne went through.”

“Does it really matter? I see the look in your eyes when you remember these times. You are one of the bravest men I've ever known but thinking about your past scares the hell out of you – because you could never get it off your chest.”

“So you're my therapist now?” I tried to mock him but he remained serious.

“You may not have visible scars but deep inside your heart...”

I flinched as I felt his warm hand on my chest.

“...deep down, you're still bleeding.”

“Vari...” I muttered and turned away a few inches, at the same time not sure if I really wanted him to stop. He seemed to sense it, leaving his hand where it was.

“You're everybody's knight in shining armour, but I really think it's time you started accepting help from others.”

“I don't need help. I'm fine.”

“You've been screaming the house down.”

“It was just a nightmare, nothing to worry about.”

“You know you keep saying this a lot lately?”

“Yeah, because it's true!”

“They never really disappeared, did they? These nightmares?”

I wanted to make a snide remark to stop him continuing on this topic but he interrupted me.

“I heard you, you know? Back when Anne and I lived with you in your flat. Sometimes you've been walking around the house all night and a few times there were dreadful screams coming from your bedroom. Then one day I saw you sitting on the rooftop, wrapped in your coat, looking at the sky...”

I turned away, too ashamed to meet his gaze. He was too polite to mention that I'd been crying that night but from his behaviour I knew he must have recognised it.

_Never show the slightest hint of weakness to anyone._

It was the first thing I learned when I became a Dark apprentice and since then I lived by it.

“It's okay” Variam whispered and put his arm around my shoulder, the warmth of his body chasing away the coldness I felt inside. Carefully I leant over and rested my head against his chest, allowing myself to let go for a little while, closing my eyes, listening to the constant beating of his heart.

“It's okay, Alex” he repeated, slowly running his fingers through my hair. With him by my side the painful memories disappeared and I wanted him to stay more than anything in the world but I knew I wasn't the only one needing him now.

“Don't waste your time with me...Anne needs you.”

“ _You_ need me. Luna's taking care of Anne and I'll be taking care of you. Unless you tell me to leave.”

He gave me a questioning look that made me take a quick glance at the future. He wasn't bluffing – if I told him to leave, he would do it. The problem was: I _really_ wanted him to stay. Right here by my side, holding me, caressing me – oh! Didn't see _that_ coming. It might be selfish, but what I just saw convinced me that all I needed now was him.

I'm an honest guy. The problem with that is the fact that my feelings tend to show quite clearly on my face and right now, they made Variam burst into laughter.

“Have you been reading my mind again?”

“You know I can't do that.”

“Yeah, but I know exactly _what_ you can do. So I assume you're not telling me to return to the Hollow?”

“No” I murmured, resting my head against his chest once more. “I'd rather have you by my side tonight.”

“Well then – move over.”

Variam waited for me to let go and rose from the bed, starting to undress.

“You don't mind, I guess?” he smirked.

I swallowed, staring at him as though I'd never seen him before. “Not at all.”

Finally he started to remove his turban. Actually, I've never seen him without it before and I was surprised to see how long and smooth his hair was, slightly curled from being tied up in a tight knot all day.

“We don't get our hair cut,” he explained when he realised how fascinated I'd been watching, lifting the duvet and slipping under the sheets, close to me.

I felt my body tense, suddenly starting to lose confidence. What was I doing here? Variam had been looking after me because he was worried and now we were on the brink of – well, what _were_ we going to do now? Of course I could have taken a look at the future but I didn't want to spoil everything. Our relationship had become quite close lately but even I hadn't expected it to turn out this way – something I wasn't sorry for at all. I just couldn't find the words to tell him right now.

He reached for my face, gently stroking my cheek and finally placing a chaste kiss on my forehead. His delicate touches sent shivers down my spine.

“You alright?”

I hurried to give him a quick nod and started to copy his movements, taking my time running my fingers through his hair. Eventually, our lips met and I was finally able to let go, blocking out everything but Vari. For the first time in years I felt safe.

***

I don't remember falling asleep but when I woke up next morning, Vari was still there, lying beside me, holding me tight. His hair was sprawled out over the pillow and I took the opportunity to touch it one more time, waking him up by doing so.

“Morning,” he whispered, placing a kiss on the top of my nose and giving my cheek a soft stroke. “Been sleeping well?”

“Just fine. How 'bout you?”

“Fantastic. Any more nightmares?”

“None, thanks to you.”

“You're welcome. If you want me to stay over again just call me, I'll be there in a minute. Anytime.”

“Thank you, Vari. I don't know how I can ever return your favour.”

A broad grin showed on his face.

“Not holding hands in public will suffice.”


End file.
